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"It Is Not Good That the Man Should Be Alone": The Virtues of Community and Friendship

A few years ago, I spent a summer in China doing research with an environmentalist group. With research faculty and students from a number of American universities, I was excited at the prospect of working alongside such a diverse group of intelligent and capable people. And I wasn't disappointed. Many students came from some of the best universities in the country; it was a challenging and stretching experience.

But with this anticipated blessing and opportunity came a likewise anticipated challenge: I was the only BYU student and only Latter-day Saint in the group. Not only would I be unique among my research companions with respect to religious worldview, but I would also spend a large portion of the summer in a region—primarily Xian and surrounding areas—where there was no Latter-day Saint presence to speak of. And I was a bit nervous about the prospect of being so spiritually isolated. Coming from BYU, I was accustomed to enjoying a strong sense of spiritual community and spending my time with people who understood and shared my faith and values.

The summer proved to be an exciting growth opportunity, both academically and spiritually, particularly as I found myself needing to turn more inward and Upward for the strength I needed to stay close to the heart of my faith and to feel God's presence with me. Also, while those in my group were intellectually and academically inspiring, and while I thrived in many respects in those associations, I still felt very much alone and isolated in other respects. The majority were quite liberal in both tongue and behavior. I thirsted for my faith community. I longed to be with those who shared others of my core values and beliefs.

Finally, toward the end of the trip, we spent a few days in Beijing where I was aware there was an established expatriate branch of the Church. I found out when and where the branch met and, the one Sunday we spent there in the Chinese capital, I secured permission to leave the group and to attend worship services. Being in a place as far from home as I had ever been, I felt like I was indeed home! It was a fast and testimony meeting, and I can't remember a time when the faces and testimonies of those who spoke seemed more beautiful. As expressions of testimony of the person and atoning power of Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the restored gospel were shared, the Spirit of God and of covenant community quenched a very thirsty soul. I was lifted and encouraged and inspired in my efforts to live the gospel away from my faith community for the remainder of the summer.

Shortly before the Prophet Joseph's death, his brother Hyrum said, "Men's souls conform to the society in which they live, with very few exceptions, and when men come to live with the Mormons, their souls swell as if they were going to stride the planets." My experience in China that Sabbath day is only one of many times when this concept of "swelling souls" has rung deep and real.

In fact, I believe that open, intimate, and authentic community with good people who share any number of similar circumstances in life, who will mourn and comfort and rejoice with us, is vital to healthy living. As God created Adam, he said, "It is not good that the man should be alone," and he created Eve to be his partner and his equal (Gen. 2:18). While the context of that divine declaration was the marital union of man and woman, I believe the principle applies equally to healthy and intimate human relationship and community in general. God desires for us to have companionship and intimate friendship. In the increasingly hyper-sexualized culture we live in, however, too many equate intimacy with sex and romance when nothing could be further from the truth. One can have sex without intimacy and experience intimacy without sex or romance.

Whether or not the blessing of marriage and conjugal intimacy is realized in the timetable we would prefer—and even if that blessing isn't realized, for the faithful, until the next life—it is God's will, I believe, that no one be alone in their life, isolated and without loving, nurturing, relationships with other men and women, brothers and sisters, around them. And to those who consider a delay in marriage and family an unfair loss are given comfort of knowing that in the Divine Design, there are no "ifs"—given the single provision of our faithfulness—when it comes to all the joys and blessings the Father desires for His children. Only "whens." The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it" (TPJS, 296). Paul similarly taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable" (1 Cor. 15:19).

Beyond this promise of the eventual fulfillment for the faithful of all the Lord's desired blessings, we can also take comfort in the knowledge that the longing for human connection, human intimacy, including with those of our gender-mates, is not "wrong" or "broken" but, on the contrary, divinely implanted. I believe our Father in Heaven desires us to seek and nurture such connections and will guide us as we seek His aid to do so. President David O. McKay referred to man as a "social creature"—that we are created to live in and draw strength from relationships and communities that will build and lift and inspire us. Similarly, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught that "friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of 'Mormonism'; [it is designed] to revolutionize and civilize the world, and cause wars and contentions to cease and men to become friends and brothers" (HC, 5:517).

Sam Keen, a noted American author, philosopher, and former contributing editor of Psychology Today magazine, said the following about the virtue of friendship: "Friendship may be the surest source of satisfaction in a fickle world, better than sex, money, or power. The Greeks valued it about romance or reputation and gave it an honored place in the pantheon of love.

"Friendship, philia, brotherly love, the affection that exists only between equals, is at once the most modest and rugged of the modes of love. It is quiet as an afternoon conversation, but strong enough to survive the acids of time. And while it draws us into our emotional depths it demands not romantic frenzy. No howling at the moon, no explosions of contradictory feelings. No jealousy. Friendship creates gentle men and women. It depends upon nothing so fragile as a pretty face or fancy figures in a bank account, or so irrational as the thick sinews of blood and kin. It is based upon the simplest of the heart's syllogisms: I like you; you like me; therefore we are friends. And while we can imagine a satisfying life without the juicy overflow of sexual love or the sweet burdens of family, we know intuitively that without a friend the best of lives would be too lonely to bear…

"'Normal' American men are homophobic, afraid of close friendships with other men. The moment we begin to feel warmly toward another man, the 'homosexual' panic button gets pressed. It makes us nervous to see French or Italian men strolling down the street arm in arm. Must be queer! From a cross-cultural perspective it is we who are odd; close male friendship is the norm in most societies and is usually considered a more important source of intimacy than romantic relationships. The celebrated friendships of David and Jonathan or Achilles and Patroclus reflect a valuation more typical than the American pattern of acquaintanceship or a quick slap on the butt after making a touchdown. In most nontechnological cultures, friendship makes the world go round, not money or sex.

"A predictable result of our homophobia is that men become overdependant on women to fulfill their need for intimacy, or swallow the romantic myth hook, line, and sinker. We grow up expecting that some magic day it will happen. We will find the one special woman who will take away our loneliness and heal our alienation. The two of us will fall in love and be all things to each other; lovers, companions, helpmates, and best friends. And then we are disappointed and feel betrayed when it doesn't happen. But any single relationship that is expected to fulfill every need will become claustrophobic, cloying, and swampy. We need same-sex friends because there are types of validation and acceptance that we receive only from our gender-mates. There is much about our experience as men that can only be shared with, and understood by, other men. There are stories we can tell only to those who have wrestled in the dark with the same demons and been wounded by the same angels. Only men understand the secret fears that go with the territory of masculinity.

"Friends alone share the consolation of knowing and being known. Most of our days are spent among polite strangers, colleagues, and casual acquaintances with whom we interact in role-governed ways. We wear masks, playing the part we are expected to play—doctor, lawyer, merchant, chief, father, lover, banker, thief. Only with our best friends can we get off the stage, stop the show, quit performing, and allow ourselves to be seen as we are" (Fire in the Belly, p. 173-75).

Cultivating the virtue of friendship in our lives—this "grand fundamental principle of 'Mormonism'"—is something that each of us can do, with or without the blessings of marriage and family. It provides a unique blessing and opportunity, particularly those who don't feel able to marry, to re-enthrone this virtue in our lives and in our culture. I dare suggest that most men and women find the cultivation of deep and meaningful and intimate friendship rather difficult.

One of the goals of North Star is to foster this kind of supportive friendship and community among Latter-day Saints dealing with issues around same-gender attraction and who embrace the doctrines and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ. Our hope here is that those who feel alone in the world—and, heaven forbid, alone within the community of Saints who have covenanted to bear one another's burdens—will know that they most certainly are not. That they will know that there are others who understand—on some level—the reality and the depth of their experience. Ultimately, there is only One who can fully understand and succor us in our need—only One who can be our Friend in the richest and most meaningful sense of the word—and of that Name we bear our witness, but in addition to this, the ability to connect and share with others who understand some of the more nuanced and varied aspects of our mortal experience instills the confidence and hope that makes real the injunction of Lehi to his son Jacob that "men [and women] are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25).



By Ty Mansfield

To Acquire Spiritual Guidance

By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance.

Throughout the ages, many have obtained guidance helpful to resolve challenges in their lives by following the example of respected individuals who resolved similar problems. Today, world conditions change so rapidly that such a course of action is often not available to us.

Personally, I rejoice in that reality because it creates a condition where we, of necessity, are more dependent upon the Spirit to guide us through the vicissitudes of life. Therefore, we are led to seek personal inspiration in life’s important decisions.

What can you do to enhance your capacity to be led to correct decisions in your life? What are the principles upon which spiritual communication depends? What are the potential barriers to such communication that you need to avoid?

President John Taylor wrote: “Joseph Smith, upwards of forty years ago, said to me: ‘Brother Taylor, you have received the Holy Ghost. Now follow the influence of that Spirit, and it will lead you into all truth, until by and by, it will become in you a principle of revelation.’ Then he told me never to arise in the morning without bowing before the Lord, and dedicating myself to him during that day.”1

Father in Heaven knew that you would face challenges and be required to make some decisions that would be beyond your own ability to decide correctly. In His plan of happiness, He included a provision for you to receive help with such challenges and decisions during your mortal life. That assistance will come to you through the Holy Ghost as spiritual guidance. It is a power, beyond your own capability, that a loving Heavenly Father wants you to use consistently for your peace and happiness.

I am convinced that there is no simple formula or technique that would immediately allow you to master the ability to be guided by the voice of the Spirit. Our Father expects you to learn how to obtain that divine help by exercising faith in Him and His Holy Son, Jesus Christ. Were you to receive inspired guidance just for the asking, you would become weak and ever more dependent on Them. They know that essential personal growth will come as you struggle to learn how to be led by the Spirit.

What may appear initially to be a daunting task will be much easier to manage over time as you consistently strive to recognize and follow feelings prompted by the Spirit. Your confidence in the direction you receive from the Holy Ghost will also become stronger. I witness that as you gain experience and success in being guided by the Spirit, your confidence in the impressions you feel can become more certain than your dependence on what you see or hear.

Spirituality yields two fruits. The first is inspiration to know what to do. The second is power, or the capacity to do it. These two capacities come together. That’s why Nephi could say, “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded.”2 He knew the spiritual laws upon which inspiration and power are based. Yes, God answers prayer and gives us spiritual direction when we live obediently and exercise the required faith in Him.

Now I share an experience that taught me a way to gain spiritual guidance. One Sunday I attended the priesthood meeting of a Spanish branch in Mexico City. I vividly recall how a humble Mexican priesthood leader struggled to communicate the truths of the gospel in his lesson material. I noted the intense desire he had to share those principles he strongly valued with his quorum members. He recognized that they were of great worth to the brethren present. In his manner, there was an evidence of a pure love of the Savior and love of those he taught.

His sincerity, purity of intent, and love permitted a spiritual strength to envelop the room. I was deeply touched. Then I began to receive personal impressions as an extension of the principles taught by that humble instructor. They were personal and related to my assignments in the area. They came in answer to my prolonged, prayerful efforts to learn.

As each impression came, I carefully wrote it down. In the process, I was given precious truths that I greatly needed in order to be a more effective servant of the Lord. The details of the communication are sacred and, like a patriarchal blessing, were for my individual benefit. I was given specific directions, instructions, and conditioned promises that have beneficially altered the course of my life.

Subsequently, I visited the Sunday School class in our ward, where a very well-educated teacher presented his lesson. That experience was in striking contrast to the one enjoyed in the priesthood meeting. It seemed to me that the instructor had purposely chosen obscure references and unusual examples to illustrate the principles of the lesson. I had the distinct impression that this instructor was using the teaching opportunity to impress the class with his vast store of knowledge. At any rate, he certainly did not seem as intent on communicating principles as had the humble priesthood leader.

In that environment, strong impressions began to flow to me again. I wrote them down. The message included specific counsel on how to become more effective as an instrument in the hands of the Lord. I received such an outpouring of impressions that were so personal that I felt it was not appropriate to record them in the midst of a Sunday School class. I sought a more private location, where I continued to write the feelings that flooded into my mind and heart as faithfully as possible. After each powerful impression was recorded, I pondered the feelings I had received to determine if I had accurately expressed them in writing. As a result, I made a few minor changes to what had been written. Then I studied their meaning and application in my own life.

Subsequently I prayed, reviewing with the Lord what I thought I had been taught by the Spirit. When a feeling of peace came, I thanked Him for the guidance given. I was then impressed to ask, “Was there yet more to be given?” I received further impressions, and the process of writing down the impressions, pondering, and praying for confirmation was repeated. Again I was prompted to ask, “Is there more I should know?” And there was. When that last, most sacred experience was concluded, I had received some of the most precious, specific, personal direction one could hope to obtain in this life. Had I not responded to the first impressions and recorded them, I would not have received the last, most precious guidance.

What I have described is not an isolated experience. It embodies several true principles regarding communication from the Lord to His children here on earth. I believe that you can leave the most precious, personal direction of the Spirit unheard because you do not respond to, record, and apply the first promptings that come to you.

Impressions of the Spirit can come in response to urgent prayer or unsolicited when needed. Sometimes the Lord reveals truth to you when you are not actively seeking it, such as when you are in danger and do not know it. However, the Lord will not force you to learn. You must exercise your agency to authorize the Spirit to teach you. As you make this a practice in your life, you will be more perceptive to the feelings that come with spiritual guidance. Then, when that guidance comes, sometimes when you least expect it, you will recognize it more easily.

The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Sin is addictive; self-degenerating; conducive to other strains of corruption; deadening to spirituality, conscience, and reason; blinding to reality; contagious; destructive to mind, body, and spirit. Sin is spiritually corrosive. Unrestrained it becomes all-consuming. It is overcome by repentance and righteousness.

I share a warning. Satan is extremely good at blocking spiritual communication by inducing individuals, through temptation, to violate the laws upon which spiritual communication is founded. With some, he is able to convince them that they are not able to receive such guidance from the Lord.

Satan has become a master at using the addictive power of pornography to limit individual capacity to be led by the Spirit. The onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms has caused great grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages. It is one of the most damning influences on earth. Whether it be through the printed page, movies, television, obscene lyrics, vulgarities on the telephone, or flickering personal computer screen, pornography is overpoweringly addictive and severely damaging. This potent tool of Lucifer degrades the mind and the heart and the soul of any who use it. All who are caught in its seductive, tantalizing web and remain so will become addicted to its immoral, destructive influence. For many, that addiction cannot be overcome without help. The tragic pattern is so familiar. It begins with curiosity that is fueled by its stimulation and is justified by the false premise that when done privately, it does no harm to anyone else. For those lulled by this lie, the experimentation goes deeper, with more powerful stimulations, until the trap closes and a terribly immoral, addictive habit exercises its vicious control.

Participation in pornography in any of its lurid forms is a manifestation of unbridled selfishness. How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?

Well did inspired Nephi declare, “And [the devil] will . . . pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, . . . and thus [he] cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.”3

If you are ensnarled in pornography, make a total commitment to overcome it now. Find a quiet place; pray urgently for help and support. Be patient and obedient. Don’t give up.

Parents, be aware that the addiction of pornography can begin with youth at a very early age. Take preventative action to avoid that tragedy. Stake presidents and bishops, warn of this evil. Invite anyone you consider captured by it to come to you for help.

An individual with foundation standards and an enduring commitment to obey them is not easily led astray. Someone who is increasingly repulsed by grievous sin and who exercises self-restraint outside human influence has character. Repentance will be more efficacious for such an individual. A feeling of remorse after a mistake is a fertile soil wherein repentance can flower.

Have patience as you are perfecting your ability to be led by the Spirit. By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance. I bear witness that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, can speak to your mind and heart. Sometimes the impressions are just general feelings. Sometimes the direction comes so clearly and so unmistakably that it can be written down like spiritual dictation.4

I bear solemn witness that as you pray with all the fervor of your soul with humility and gratitude, you can learn to be consistently guided by the Holy Spirit in all aspects of your life. I have confirmed the truthfulness of that principle in the crucible of my own life. I testify that you can personally learn to master the principles of being guided by the Spirit. That way, the Savior can guide you to resolve challenges of life and enjoy great peace and happiness. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

None Were with Him

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles


Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are.

Thank you, Sister Thompson, and thanks to the remarkable women of this Church. Brothers and sisters, my Easter-season message today is intended for everyone, but it is directed in a special way to those who are alone or feel alone or, worse yet, feel abandoned. These might include those longing to be married, those who have lost a spouse, and those who have lost—or have never been blessed with—children. Our empathy embraces wives forsaken by their husbands, husbands whose wives have walked away, and children bereft of one or the other of their parents—or both. This group can find within its broad circumference a soldier far from home, a missionary in those first weeks of homesickness, or a father out of work, afraid the fear in his eyes will be visible to his family. In short it can include all of us at various times in our lives.

To all such, I speak of the loneliest journey ever made and the unending blessings it brought to all in the human family. I speak of the Savior’s solitary task of shouldering alone the burden of our salvation. Rightly He would say: “I have trodden the winepress alone; and of the people there was none with me. . . . I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold [me].”1

As President Uchtdorf so beautifully noted earlier, we know from scripture that Jesus’s messianic arrival in Jerusalem on the Sunday preceding Passover, a day directly analogous to this very morning, was a great public moment. But eagerness to continue walking with Him would quickly begin to wane.

Soon enough He was arraigned before the Israelite leaders of the day—first Annas, the former high priest, then Caiaphas, the current high priest. In their rush to judgment these men and their councils declared their verdict quickly and angrily. “What further need have we of witnesses?” they cried. “He is [worthy] of death.”2

With that He was brought before the gentile rulers in the land. Herod Antipas, the tetrarch of Galilee, interrogated Him once, and Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor in Judea, did so twice, the second time declaring to the crowd, “I, having examined him before you, have found no fault in this man.”3 Then, in an act as unconscionable as it was illogical, Pilate “scourged Jesus, [and] delivered him to be crucified.”4 Pilate’s freshly washed hands could not have been more stained or more unclean.

Such ecclesiastical and political rejection became more personal when the citizenry in the street turned against Jesus as well. It is one of the ironies of history that sitting with Jesus in prison was a real blasphemer, a murderer and revolutionary known as Barabbas, a name or title in Aramaic meaning “son of the father.”5 Free to release one prisoner in the spirit of the Passover tradition, Pilate asked the people, “Whether of the twain will ye that I release unto you?” They said, “Barabbas.”6 So one godless “son of the father” was set free while a truly divine Son of His Heavenly Father moved on to crucifixion.

This was also a telling time among those who knew Jesus more personally. The most difficult to understand in this group is Judas Iscariot. We know the divine plan required Jesus to be crucified, but it is wrenching to think that one of His special witnesses who sat at His feet, heard Him pray, watched Him heal, and felt His touch could betray Him and all that He was for 30 pieces of silver. Never in the history of this world has so little money purchased so much infamy. We are not the ones to judge Judas’s fate, but Jesus said of His betrayer, “Good [were it] for that man if he had not been born.”7

Of course others among the believers had their difficult moments as well. Following the Last Supper, Jesus left Peter, James, and John to wait while He ventured into the Garden of Gethsemane alone. Falling on His face in prayer, “sorrowful . . . unto death,”8 the record says, His sweat came as great drops of blood9 as He pled with the Father to let this crushing, brutal cup pass from Him. But, of course, it could not pass. Returning from such anguished prayer He found His three chief disciples asleep, prompting Him to ask, “Could ye not watch with me one hour?”10 So it happens two more times until on His third return He says compassionately, “Sleep on now, and take your rest,”11 though there would be no rest for Him.

Later, after Jesus’s arrest and appearance at trial, Peter, accused of knowing Jesus and being one of His confidants, denies that accusation not once but three times. We don’t know all that was going on here, nor do we know of protective counsel which the Savior may have given to His Apostles privately,12 but we do know Jesus was aware that even these precious ones would not stand with Him in the end, and He had warned Peter accordingly.13 Then, with the crowing of the cock, “the Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord. . . . And [he] went out, and wept bitterly.”14

Thus, of divine necessity, the supporting circle around Jesus gets smaller and smaller and smaller, giving significance to Matthew’s words: “All the disciples [left] him, and fled.”15 Peter stayed near enough to be recognized and confronted. John stood at the foot of the cross with Jesus’s mother. Especially and always the blessed women in the Savior’s life stayed as close to Him as they could. But essentially His lonely journey back to His Father continued without comfort or companionship.

Now I speak very carefully, even reverently, of what may have been the most difficult moment in all of this solitary journey to Atonement. I speak of those final moments for which Jesus must have been prepared intellectually and physically but which He may not have fully anticipated emotionally and spiritually—that concluding descent into the paralyzing despair of divine withdrawal when He cries in ultimate loneliness, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”16

The loss of mortal support He had anticipated, but apparently He had not comprehended this. Had He not said to His disciples, “Behold, the hour . . . is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me” and “The Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him”?17

With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required; indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.

But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. When the uttermost farthing had then been paid, when Christ’s determination to be faithful was as obvious as it was utterly invincible, finally and mercifully, it was “finished.”18 Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness and despair. With faith in the God He knew was there, He could say in triumph, “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.”19

Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said, “I will not leave you comfortless. [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].”20

My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosa in our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,”21 for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

"It Is Not Good That the Man Should Be Alone": The Virtues of Community and Friendship

By Ty Mansfield

A few years ago, I spent a summer in China doing research with an environmentalist group. With research faculty and students from a number of American universities, I was excited at the prospect of working alongside such a diverse group of intelligent and capable people. And I wasn't disappointed. Many students came from some of the best universities in the country; it was a challenging and stretching experience.

But with this anticipated blessing and opportunity came a likewise anticipated challenge: I was the only BYU student and only Latter-day Saint in the group. Not only would I be unique among my research companions with respect to religious worldview, but I would also spend a large portion of the summer in a region—primarily Xian and surrounding areas—where there was no Latter-day Saint presence to speak of. And I was a bit nervous about the prospect of being so spiritually isolated. Coming from BYU, I was accustomed to enjoying a strong sense of spiritual community and spending my time with people who understood and shared my faith and values.

The summer proved to be an exciting growth opportunity, both academically and spiritually, particularly as I found myself needing to turn more inward and Upward for the strength I needed to stay close to the heart of my faith and to feel God's presence with me. Also, while those in my group were intellectually and academically inspiring, and while I thrived in many respects in those associations, I still felt very much alone and isolated in other respects. The majority were quite liberal in both tongue and behavior. I thirsted for my faith community. I longed to be with those who shared others of my core values and beliefs.

Finally, toward the end of the trip, we spent a few days in Beijing where I was aware there was an established expatriate branch of the Church. I found out when and where the branch met and, the one Sunday we spent there in the Chinese capital, I secured permission to leave the group and to attend worship services. Being in a place as far from home as I had ever been, I felt like I was indeed home! It was a fast and testimony meeting, and I can't remember a time when the faces and testimonies of those who spoke seemed more beautiful. As expressions of testimony of the person and atoning power of Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the restored gospel were shared, the Spirit of God and of covenant community quenched a very thirsty soul. I was lifted and encouraged and inspired in my efforts to live the gospel away from my faith community for the remainder of the summer.

Shortly before the Prophet Joseph's death, his brother Hyrum said, "Men's souls conform to the society in which they live, with very few exceptions, and when men come to live with the Mormons, their souls swell as if they were going to stride the planets." My experience in China that Sabbath day is only one of many times when this concept of "swelling souls" has rung deep and real.

In fact, I believe that open, intimate, and authentic community with good people who share any number of similar circumstances in life, who will mourn and comfort and rejoice with us, is vital to healthy living. As God created Adam, he said, "It is not good that the man should be alone," and he created Eve to be his partner and his equal (Gen. 2:18). While the context of that divine declaration was the marital union of man and woman, I believe the principle applies equally to healthy and intimate human relationship and community in general. God desires for us to have companionship and intimate friendship. In the increasingly hyper-sexualized culture we live in, however, too many equate intimacy with sex and romance when nothing could be further from the truth. One can have sex without intimacy and experience intimacy without sex or romance.

Whether or not the blessing of marriage and conjugal intimacy is realized in the timetable we would prefer—and even if that blessing isn't realized, for the faithful, until the next life—it is God's will, I believe, that no one be alone in their life, isolated and without loving, nurturing, relationships with other men and women, brothers and sisters, around them. And to those who consider a delay in marriage and family an unfair loss are given comfort of knowing that in the Divine Design, there are no "ifs"—given the single provision of our faithfulness—when it comes to all the joys and blessings the Father desires for His children. Only "whens." The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it" (TPJS, 296). Paul similarly taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable" (1 Cor. 15:19).

Beyond this promise of the eventual fulfillment for the faithful of all the Lord's desired blessings, we can also take comfort in the knowledge that the longing for human connection, human intimacy, including with those of our gender-mates, is not "wrong" or "broken" but, on the contrary, divinely implanted. I believe our Father in Heaven desires us to seek and nurture such connections and will guide us as we seek His aid to do so. President David O. McKay referred to man as a "social creature"—that we are created to live in and draw strength from relationships and communities that will build and lift and inspire us. Similarly, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught that "friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of 'Mormonism'; [it is designed] to revolutionize and civilize the world, and cause wars and contentions to cease and men to become friends and brothers" (HC, 5:517).

Sam Keen, a noted American author, philosopher, and former contributing editor of Psychology Today magazine, said the following about the virtue of friendship: "Friendship may be the surest source of satisfaction in a fickle world, better than sex, money, or power. The Greeks valued it about romance or reputation and gave it an honored place in the pantheon of love.

"Friendship, philia, brotherly love, the affection that exists only between equals, is at once the most modest and rugged of the modes of love. It is quiet as an afternoon conversation, but strong enough to survive the acids of time. And while it draws us into our emotional depths it demands not romantic frenzy. No howling at the moon, no explosions of contradictory feelings. No jealousy. Friendship creates gentle men and women. It depends upon nothing so fragile as a pretty face or fancy figures in a bank account, or so irrational as the thick sinews of blood and kin. It is based upon the simplest of the heart's syllogisms: I like you; you like me; therefore we are friends. And while we can imagine a satisfying life without the juicy overflow of sexual love or the sweet burdens of family, we know intuitively that without a friend the best of lives would be too lonely to bear…

"'Normal' American men are homophobic, afraid of close friendships with other men. The moment we begin to feel warmly toward another man, the 'homosexual' panic button gets pressed. It makes us nervous to see French or Italian men strolling down the street arm in arm. Must be queer! From a cross-cultural perspective it is we who are odd; close male friendship is the norm in most societies and is usually considered a more important source of intimacy than romantic relationships. The celebrated friendships of David and Jonathan or Achilles and Patroclus reflect a valuation more typical than the American pattern of acquaintanceship or a quick slap on the butt after making a touchdown. In most nontechnological cultures, friendship makes the world go round, not money or sex.

"A predictable result of our homophobia is that men become overdependant on women to fulfill their need for intimacy, or swallow the romantic myth hook, line, and sinker. We grow up expecting that some magic day it will happen. We will find the one special woman who will take away our loneliness and heal our alienation. The two of us will fall in love and be all things to each other; lovers, companions, helpmates, and best friends. And then we are disappointed and feel betrayed when it doesn't happen. But any single relationship that is expected to fulfill every need will become claustrophobic, cloying, and swampy. We need same-sex friends because there are types of validation and acceptance that we receive only from our gender-mates. There is much about our experience as men that can only be shared with, and understood by, other men. There are stories we can tell only to those who have wrestled in the dark with the same demons and been wounded by the same angels. Only men understand the secret fears that go with the territory of masculinity.

"Friends alone share the consolation of knowing and being known. Most of our days are spent among polite strangers, colleagues, and casual acquaintances with whom we interact in role-governed ways. We wear masks, playing the part we are expected to play—doctor, lawyer, merchant, chief, father, lover, banker, thief. Only with our best friends can we get off the stage, stop the show, quit performing, and allow ourselves to be seen as we are" (Fire in the Belly, p. 173-75).

Cultivating the virtue of friendship in our lives—this "grand fundamental principle of 'Mormonism'"—is something that each of us can do, with or without the blessings of marriage and family. It provides a unique blessing and opportunity, particularly those who don't feel able to marry, to re-enthrone this virtue in our lives and in our culture. I dare suggest that most men and women find the cultivation of deep and meaningful and intimate friendship rather difficult.

One of the goals of North Star is to foster this kind of supportive friendship and community among Latter-day Saints dealing with issues around same-gender attraction and who embrace the doctrines and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ. Our hope here is that those who feel alone in the world—and, heaven forbid, alone within the community of Saints who have covenanted to bear one another's burdens—will know that they most certainly are not. That they will know that there are others who understand—on some level—the reality and the depth of their experience. Ultimately, there is only One who can fully understand and succor us in our need—only One who can be our Friend in the richest and most meaningful sense of the word—and of that Name we bear our witness, but in addition to this, the ability to connect and share with others who understand some of the more nuanced and varied aspects of our mortal experience instills the confidence and hope that makes real the injunction of Lehi to his son Jacob that "men [and women] are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25).

Compassion for Those Who Struggle

Name Withheld

Friendship and compassion can strengthen those dealing with same-sex attraction.

The inspiring account of Hannah in the Old Testament depicts the travails of one temporarily deprived of normal family relationships by her inability to bear a child. Mocked by her husband’s other wife “because the Lord had shut up her womb,” Hannah “was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore” (1 Sam. 1:6, 10). The footnote to this scripture explains that the phrase “bitterness of soul” means not anger or cynicism but sadness and grief.

There are those in the Church today who also feel a “bitterness of soul” because they do not fully experience the joys of family life. This is not so because of infertility. Neither is it because they have not had a suitable opportunity to marry. They are unable as yet to have families of their own because of sexual orientation.

They are those brothers and sisters in the Church with same-sex attractions who are conscientiously striving to live the commandments. They are those who reject trendy beliefs that homosexuality is an acceptable lifestyle option. They are those who, recognizing we are not named by what tempts us, eschew the label “gay” to take upon them the name of Christ instead.

I am one of them.

Magnified through Endurance

For those of us facing this challenge, the only way to live a life of righteousness is to delay or go without something for which most human hearts hunger: the kind of partnership and completeness that is found in a marriage relationship. In the moments of searing loneliness this reality brings, I find compensating companionship in the enveloping arms of the Savior and His Atonement. During such times, the Savior’s words “My grace is sufficient for thee” (2 Cor. 12:9) take on a profound new meaning.

It is a distressing duality to yearn to follow Christ and His teachings about marriage and family while being unable to do so because of inharmonious sexual attractions. When I despair I take comfort from what the Lord promises in Doctrine and Covenants 58:2–3 [D&C 58:2–3]:

“Blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.”

Here I hope to explain through my experience the challenges and needs of many of the Church members enduring same-sex attraction, that perhaps increased understanding and compassion from friends, family, and Church members will be a sustaining bulwark in our defenses against giving in to temptation.

The Choice Is in the Response, Not in the Temptation

It is not often that Saints with same-sex attraction make their challenge known to others. For me, this struggle is one only the Lord, my bishop, and a few close and understanding friends need to know.

However, at times family and ward or branch members will discern that one harbors these attractions. If others have such perceptions of me, I am grateful that in my Church associations I have never experienced jokes and gossip that make light of a struggle where a soul’s destiny hangs in the balance. As Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has stated, “Persons … struggling with the burden of same-sex attraction are in special need of the love and encouragement that is a clear responsibility of Church members.” 1

Ours is often a hidden conflict for fear of being seen as “deviants” who have chosen these attractions. For most Latter-day Saints who struggle with this challenge, nothing could be further from the truth. As one author has written: “Why would someone who has a strong conviction of the divine origins of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints choose to engage in a wrenching conflict with that testimony … ? Same-sex desires create a very difficult challenge for Church members and are seldom chosen. The trial befalls even the valiant ones.” 2 Our choice is in deciding whether to defy or succumb to temptation, not in whether to have the temptation itself.

Conversely, the doctrine of agency contradicts worldly attempts to justify homosexual behavior because of supposed biological or physiological causes. Elder Oaks said: “Once we have reached the age or condition of accountability, the claim ‘I was born that way’ does not excuse actions or thoughts that fail to conform to the commandments of God. We need to learn how to live so that a weakness that is mortal will not prevent us from achieving the goal that is eternal.” 3
Surely He who asks rhetorically, “Is any thing too hard for the Lord?” (Gen. 18:14) can help us master same-sex attraction.

The Fears That Come with Repentance

When I first made the decision to repent of homosexual activity, I greatly feared how the bishop would react. Would he act disgusted or angry? Would I be made to feel worse than I already did over having sinned?

Anxious about disclosing such a personal struggle, I delayed the repentance process for many months. When I did finally meet with my bishop, instead of burdening me with more guilt, he beckoned me back to the fold with words as inviting as Alma’s: “If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?” (Alma 5:26). The bishop’s calm and spiritual reaction to my confession made it easier to go to him later on, knowing I would be loved and helped. His Christlike approach aided in my repentance.
Equal to my fears of going to the bishop were my feelings of unworthiness to be at church with people who were living good lives and had not indulged in the sins I had committed. I was sure the first Sunday I returned to church that everyone would see right into my soul and know what I was guilty of and the feelings I was struggling with.

Instead, my anxieties were put to rest when members of the ward welcomed me back with loving fellowship. Repentance would have been much more difficult if I had gone from being a less-active member to a less-included member of the ward.
Supportive and loving Latter-day Saint friends and family are vital in the repentance process. When I first sought such support from a few longtime friends by revealing my struggle, I worried they would reject me. Yet just as the Savior would never reject someone because of his or her temptations, neither have my friends abandoned me because of my weakness. If they ever felt disappointment in learning of my temptations and mistakes, they replaced those feelings with the kind of charity President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) described: “I have in my heart a love for all of God’s children. I have no ill feeling toward any human being. With you, I hate sin, but I love the sinner. We all have need to repent.” 4

When I feel overwhelmed by my situation, I am truly blessed to have these friends who will listen and encourage. They strengthen my resolve to endure to the end. The words that comforted and uplifted the Prophet Joseph Smith also comfort and uplift me: “Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands” (D&C 121:9).

Temptation Is Not Transgression

Some assume that all those with same-sex tendencies are morally depraved. Yet, as I often have to remind myself, because of my repentance and my earnest efforts to live the commandments I am as worthy as other righteous Latter-day Saints to serve in callings and in the temple, to take the sacrament, to give talks and lessons in church, and to hold the priesthood. As President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has said, “If you do not act on temptations, you need feel no guilt.” 5

Contrary to being morally deficient, many of us are developing spiritual muscles through the calisthenics of adversity. 6 This is a fight that can forge a profound closeness with Heavenly Father and the Savior because victory hinges on our ability to rely on Them completely. For me, these words of the Savior have personal meaning: “They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick” (Matt. 9:12).

Some may be gripped by other temptations—alcohol, tobacco, pornography, gambling, or other serious sins. If not tempted by major transgression, we all nevertheless are tempted every day. And we do not think people facing large or small temptations are immoral just because they are tempted. Elder Oaks reminds us: “We should always distinguish between sinful acts and inappropriate feelings or potentially dangerous susceptibilities. We should reach out lovingly to those who are struggling to resist temptation.” 7

I am blessed to associate with people who view me by my true character, not by superficial stereotypes. In doing so they follow the Savior’s example: “The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).

Regardless of the nature of our temptations, everyone must rely upon the Savior’s Atonement to build the bridge that takes us back to our Father in Heaven. No one can do it alone.

The Individuality of Timing

One of the most uncomfortable moments I face as I work to overcome same-sex attraction is when a Church or family member queries as to why I am not yet married. Worse, however, is hearing the dreaded words “I have the perfect person for you to date.”

For some, dating members of the opposite sex may be a welcome way to work past inappropriate attractions. For others like me, dating may not be comfortable just now. Pushing dating on me has the unintended consequence of aggravating the pain and frustration I may feel. I hope to one day sufficiently curb my attractions to make the first tenuous steps toward dating. But I have to be allowed to do so without others imposing either timetables or dating partners upon me.

Some may say that same-sex attraction can be “cured” simply through dating and marriage. But President Gordon B. Hinckley has dispelled this notion: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip into such practices again.” 8

The ability of individuals with same-sex desires to date and marry depends on their progress made with the Lord’s help in overcoming these attractions—an effort that is neither easy nor quick. Your patience with this process will greatly magnify our own. Contrary to the impression given by the popular media, many individuals have successfully overcome their same-sex attractions. 9 For others, this may be a lifelong test 10 to prove their willingness to do as the Savior said—to “deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matt. 16:24).

Helping Singles Avoid Solitude

Of greater value than matchmaking services of friends and Church members are the time and companionship many so freely offer. Married couples who embrace me within their social circles by including me in family home evenings or other activities help sustain me during periods of temptation and loneliness. They exemplify the Savior’s admonition to cast a wide net of inclusion:

“For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

“And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others?” (Matt. 5:46–47).
The most wrongheaded thought I occasionally experience is feeling left out of the Church’s teachings on family and marriage. Time spent interacting with families allows me to feel I have a part in the doctrine on family. In sharing their time, families fulfill the decree of discipleship that we are to be “willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light” (Mosiah 18:8).

Time with righteous friends and their families also helps make the difference in my making correct choices. When I am feeling most alone is when I am most tempted to look for improper companionship. Associating instead with gospel-oriented families helps me choose the better course and gives me a taste of family blessings that someday can be mine through my faithfulness.

Sorrow Replaced by Joy

Whether you know or only sense that a righteous friend or family member is dealing with same-sex attraction, rest assured by virtue of his or her discipleship that he or she is not content to be facing these temptations. Please do not confuse temptation with transgression.

Our Father in Heaven and our Savior know our needs and can help those of us facing this challenge endure to the end. They accomplish this in part through true disciples who are willing to offer their time, understanding, and compassion. As we are thus strengthened in our righteous resolves and as we are obedient to the Savior’s teachings, our “bitterness of soul” will be replaced by joy and hope like that which Hannah felt when her prayers at last were answered (see 1 Sam. 2:1). We then will be better able to successfully meet the tests of this life and find our way home.

Notes
1. “Same-Gender Attraction,” Liahona, Mar. 1996, 24; Ensign, Oct. 1995, 14.
2. Erin Eldridge, Born That Way? (1994), 33.
3. Liahona, Mar. 1996, 18; Ensign, Oct. 1995, 10.
4. The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson (1988), 75; emphasis added.
5. “Ye Are the Temple of God,” Liahona, Jan. 2001, 87; Ensign, Nov. 2000, 74.
6. See Neal A. Maxwell, “Enduring Well,” Liahona, Apr. 1999, 12; Ensign, Apr. 1997, 8; see also “Becoming a Disciple,” Ensign, June 1996, 15.
7. Liahona, Mar. 1996, 21; Ensign, Oct. 1995, 12.
8. “Reverence and Morality,” Ensign, May 1987, 47.
9. See, for example, Robert L. Spitzer, “Can Some Gay Men and Lesbians Change Their Sexual Orientation? 200 Participants Reporting a Change from Homosexual to Heterosexual Orientation,” Archives of Sexual Behavior, Oct. 2003, 403–17.
10. See Boyd K. Packer, Liahona, Jan. 2001, 87; Ensign, Nov. 2000, 74.

My Battle With Same-Sex Attraction

Photo By: Morgan Weistling
"Our Refuge and Our Strength"


“My Battle with Same-Sex Attraction,” Ensign, Aug 2002, 48–51

I was certain Heavenly Father had given up on me. How wrong I was!
There was a time in my life when I believed there was no hope for me—no future—and that I would never come close to being a righteous daughter of God. This resulted from the fact that I felt same-sex attraction and acted on it. I wondered if I could ever be free of the bondage I was in.

I joined the Church at age 21 and was an active member until I started acting on the confused feelings I had experienced for many years. I knew the Lord did not approve of my actions, but I was not willing to give them up, so I stayed away from the Church altogether.

The turning point came when a friend visited me shortly after returning home from her mission. She noticed that there seemed to be coldness in my home and that I seemed different somehow. When she questioned me about this, I admitted my problem to her. She urged me to see my bishop.

I resisted at first, but inside I knew I would never be happy as long as I continued my behavior. I decided I wanted to be close to the Lord more than I wanted the lifestyle I was living, so I made an appointment with my bishop. When the time for our interview arrived, I tried to act cool and nonchalant, but my heart was pounding. I felt humiliated, ashamed, and frightened. I was sure the bishop would be uncomfortable with my disclosure and would ask a few cursory questions before ushering me out the door.

Instead, he listened to my story with compassion and concern. After we discussed my situation at length, he urged me to attend all my Church meetings and to meet with him regularly. He encouraged me to spend time in fasting and prayer, and he said he would do the same so that he would be prepared to offer me the counsel the Lord wanted me to receive. What affected me most of all was when he told me, “Sandra, Heavenly Father loves you. You are His child, and He wants to help you.”

The Spirit of the Lord confirmed the truth of those words, and I was overcome. My understanding of the gospel was relatively new at that time, and I had been sure Heavenly Father wanted nothing to do with me. But that wasn’t true—He loved me! He understood my challenges far better than I did, and He would help me repent and return to Him! I left the bishop’s office with a lighter heart.

I started coming back to church and taking the first steps of repentance. It wasn’t easy to break away from the lifestyle I had been living for so long, and there were times I felt discouraged and overwhelmed, wondering if I could continue along this new path.

But I soon realized what had been missing from my life for quite some time—the influence of the Holy Ghost. Church became an anchor for me, a safe shelter. I followed the counsel my bishop gave during my meetings with him, and eventually the Spirit was able to operate more fully in my life.

Many years have passed since that first meeting with my bishop. I wish I could say that I never again struggled or felt same-sex attraction, but that would not be true. What I have gained, however, is the strength not to act on those feelings, as well as the sense of peace I craved for so many years. Any desire I have had to act on this temptation has been overshadowed by a stronger desire to serve the Lord. I have come so far, and while I do not know if my healing will be complete in this life or in the next, I do know that God is aware of my efforts, that He is actively involved in my life, and that He will bless me with a complete and total healing when the time is right.

Through my experience, I have learned key principles that have helped me in my struggle. These principles can be applied by anyone seeking to overcome a moral weakness:

Trust in the Lord. In the world there is a debate over the origins of same-sex attraction. Yet Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles teaches that regardless of our personal susceptibilities, we are responsible for our thoughts and behavior: “Some kinds of feelings seem to be inborn. Others are traceable to mortal experiences. Still other feelings seem to be acquired from a complex interaction of ‘nature and nurture.’ All of us have some feelings we did not choose, but the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we still have the power to resist and reform our feelings (as needed) and to assure that they do not lead us to entertain inappropriate thoughts or to engage in sinful behavior” (“Same-Gender Attraction,” Ensign, Oct. 1995, 9).

To overcome this challenge, trust the Lord and obey Him. He knows how to succor you and will give you the strength not to act upon your temptations, whatever they may be (see Alma 7:12; Alma 13:28; Alma 34:39; 1 Cor. 10:13). Isaiah 29:16 [Isa. 29:16] asks, “Shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? Or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding?” Know that your Creator understands you perfectly, and He knows how to help you. As you turn your heart over to Him and submit fully to His will, He will heal you in His own due time (see 3 Ne. 18:32).

Fast and pray. Pray unceasingly and “with all the energy of heart” (Moro. 7:48). Fast and pray for protection against the adversary and for deliverance from unholy thoughts. Do not assume that the way will be easy, for no matter what you do; Satan will desire to ensnare you. Be on the alert always (see Mosiah 4:30). Invite the Spirit of the Lord to be with you constantly, and strive to be worthy of it. The companionship of the Holy Ghost will speak to you in a still, small voice; listen to the promptings and obey them.

Remember who you are. Remember that you kept your first estate; otherwise you would not be on earth today. Remember that Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to come home to Him and receive all the blessings He has in store for you. He will be your great encourager if you will only give place in your heart for Him.

Do not attach labels to yourself or others who struggle with this problem. We all have temptations, but they do not define who we are. Know that having this particular challenge does not make you an “evil” person. As you commit not to act on these attractions, and as you immerse yourself in righteous thoughts and activities, you can be worthy of all the Lord has to offer. The freedom you find will be sweet to you.

Read and ponder the scriptures daily. Make this a priority. Through the words of the prophets, the Lord will bear you up. Sincerely liken the scriptures to yourself (see 1 Ne. 19:23). As you do so, you will make yourself more receptive to the promptings of the Spirit of the Lord, which will guide you in the paths of righteousness.

Change your environment. Gain the strength to resist temptation by leaning heavily on Heavenly Father and listening to the voice of the prophets. I made myself more receptive to their counsel by cleansing my home of harmful influences. I stopped watching immoral television programs and gave up inappropriate movies. I threw out tapes and CDs with suggestive lyrics and books with immoral plots or profanity. I removed anything and everything that was not wholesome and clean. I displayed pictures that reminded me of who I really am, and I immersed myself in the scriptures and other edifying books. These things have enriched my life in ways I could not have imagined, and now I never miss what I have forsaken.

Choose righteous associations. Most people tend to become like the individuals they spend the most time with. I urge you to distance yourself from those who see nothing wrong with same-sex attraction. Avoid places frequented by those who are involved in this lifestyle. Quit your job if need be. This is a battle for your eternal exaltation—and battle is a fitting word.
Lean on family and friends who see what is best in you. The members of my ward have been wonderful friends to me. As I have reached out to them, they have responded in kind, and I have learned much from their caring examples.
Seek counseling from your bishop and, if necessary, a professional therapist who shares your values. They can offer support and help you through your challenges. If needed, your bishop can refer you to LDS Family Services for counseling or for information about local resources.

Heavenly Father loves each one of us and wants to rescue us. His arms are outstretched toward us “all the day long” (2 Ne. 28:32). He provided the Atonement of His Son so that we might be released from our respective prisons.
I cherish the peace I have found in my own life as I have emerged from the bondage that held me captive for so long. I have learned that Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine and that if we allow Him, He will help us in our struggles. How grateful I am for that knowledge and for the freedom I have found as I have followed His counsel.

Name Withheld

Becoming Whole Again

Same-gender attraction was my trial. I am grateful for the Savior, who atoned for my sins, who heals my pain, and who helps me live and be as he would have me be.

I grew up in a warm and loving Latter-day Saint family. I’ve always attended church, I graduated from seminary, I served an honorable mission, and I even taught at the Missionary Training Center while attending Brigham Young University. To top it off, I am married for time and eternity to a wonderful wife. Why would someone like me face the trial of same-gender attraction?

I don’t know all the reasons for this weakness of mine, but I’m certain that some experiences I had beginning at age six contributed. I had a young uncle who was very kind to me, but he taught me some activities that were inappropriate. Sensing that those activities were wrong, when I turned eight and was baptized I vowed to stay away from my uncle—and I succeeded. However, I longed for my uncle’s attention and sometimes tried to seek a substitute with childhood friends. Usually they would no longer be my friends, and often I felt very guilty, bad, and unloved.

As I learned later through study, prayer, and counseling, same-sex attraction is often a misguided feeling motivated by a longing for true brotherly love or a desire for masculine characteristics one feels he lacks. My father is a good, hard-working man, but he was seldom home while I was growing up, which in my case contributed somewhat to my emotional deficit. As I grew older, I immersed myself in school activities and mostly avoided anything related to the immoral behaviors I had learned as a child, though I still sometimes felt attracted to other males.

By my later teenage years, my situation seemed much improved. I fell in love with my wife-to-be during high school, and we wrote faithfully to each other during my mission. When I returned home, I felt confident and full of life. I loved my BYU studies, my MTC teaching job, and visiting my future wife, who at the time lived in another city. During this season of happiness, I finally felt free of my past weaknesses. Looking back, however, I recognize that I had not yet overcome the deep-rooted patterns of same-gender attraction.

One night on my way home from visiting my fiancée, I somehow found myself in a predicament I never should have been in. After that evening, I was devastated. I knew I had to tell my fiancée the truth—and more than 10 years later, I feel I am only just beginning to understand the grief I have caused her. After visiting with my bishop and stake president and after much soul-searching on both our parts, we decided to proceed with our marriage plans. Everyone involved felt I was repentant and back on track.

Unfortunately, that episode was only the beginning. Marriage has been called a crucible that brings out either our best or our worst, and that was certainly true [page 28] for me. I began breaking commandments again soon after we were married. From time to time I used alcohol in association with immoral experiences, and I was often dishonest. For many years I was trapped in a deadly cycle: sin, remorse, what I felt was true repentance, and then back to sin. I tried to blame others for my problems, but I could not escape the fact that I was the one choosing to engage in wrong behavior. For years I tried to overcome my sins alone, without seeking sufficient help from Church leaders and other sources of support.

Finally my wife, having gradually come to a realization of the extent of my sins, reluctantly decided she could no longer put up with my behavior. She told me that I either needed to seek help or leave her and our two beautiful children. Feeling desperate, I checked into a hospital psychiatric ward to see if I could gain some control over my life.

The hospital staff very compassionately helped me deal with my childhood pains and my alcohol-related issues, but I soon found out what many professionals think about same-gender attraction: you are born with it, and the only way you will ever be happy is to accept it. However, my wife and I refused to believe it. It just did not make sense. Heavenly Father put us on this earth to fulfill a divine destiny that can be accomplished when a man and woman join in temple marriage—and, like Nephi, we know that “the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them” (1 Ne. 3:7). Despite the opposition I faced at the hospital, I felt determined to overcome my iniquities.

After the hospital stay, I finally began to rely on the Lord and his servants for help. I confessed my sins to my bishop and stake president, and they offered me much support and guidance, including arranging for me to have a disciplinary council. Looking back, I realize that during the interviews leading up to the council, I still didn’t feel especially humble or repentant. I had been through destructive cycles of sin so many times that I was calloused almost past feeling. My wife pointed out my lack of conviction, and my stake president told me that at some point I would need to feel a deeper remorse for my sins, though I was on the right track.

During the disciplinary council, I was finally able to let go of my arrogance long enough to allow repentance to really begin. I felt literally racked with pain, perhaps as did Alma—but it would be a long time before I experienced the joy that comes with true repentance (see Alma 36:16–21). The council took appropriate action against my Church membership, and I felt an overwhelming loneliness. During the council, I was impressed with the idea that while repentance of such addictive sins is a lifelong struggle, my repentance would need to be strong and effective before I returned to full fellowship, because if I returned to old ways I likely would be so trapped in iniquity that I probably would not seek repentance again. I was very sobered by this thought.

Working with my bishop and stake president and with therapists at LDS Social Services, I spent many months trying to humble myself and repair my standing before the Lord as well as my relationship with my devastated wife and family. With constant prayer, vigilance, effort, and support from my leaders and loved ones, I made gradual but solid progress. After two years the disciplinary council was reconvened. Instead of feeling shame and fear, this time I attended the council with anticipation and gratitude. I had greatly missed participating in gospel activities such as playing the piano for Church meetings, partaking of the sacrament, and bearing my testimony. My return to full fellowship was a joyous occasion that gave me even more strength to avoid sin. I pay tribute to my wife, who forgave me for sins that had rocked the very foundations of our marriage. We both know that the Spirit has given us the peace, guidance, and strength we need to survive as a couple.

During my long process of repentance, I learned some things that may help others who struggle with immoral thoughts or behaviors:

• When you have an impure thought, you can recognize it and control it. I have learned over and over again that actions always begin with thoughts. We know that Satan can plant impure thoughts in our minds and hearts (see Ensign, Sept. 1995, 61). But if we lose the battle at that level, our strength to resist actual temptations will be much compromised. When we accept the tiny seed of an impure thought, if unchecked it eventually grows into a devastating, even salvation-threatening action. Do whatever it takes to control your thoughts! I find it helpful to say a silent prayer every time I have an inappropriate thought and to replace the thought with a Primary song or a hymn.

• Seek advice and help early from your priesthood leaders, especially your bishop. If you feel yourself slipping toward sin, that is the time to see your bishop—not after a sin has been committed, when the damage has already been done. If you’ve already committed sin, you cannot begin to heal until you confess to the proper priesthood authority. If you’re struggling with temptation, leaders can help you only if you seek them out. Even if leaders don’t have easy, immediate solutions for your problems, they offer much assistance. Just being willing to work with them demonstrates your faith and concern to the Lord and marshals spiritual support.

• If possible and if your bishop agrees, seek professional help through LDS Social Services. Their personnel can be a valuable source for counseling and other assistance, such as providing lists of helpful books. I have participated in many private and group therapy sessions over the years, but nothing has been as effective and long-lasting as working with Church leaders and exercising my own faith and prayers. Inspired [page 29] therapists can increase our understanding and guide and encourage us, but only our assigned Church leaders can act directly on behalf of the Lord in matters involving our confession and repentance of serious sin. Only the Savior himself can actually heal us through his Atonement.

• In addition to professionals and Church leaders, allow appropriate friends and family members to help you. Like all iniquities, same-gender attraction thrives on secrecy; many who struggle with it are paralyzed in their progress by fear that others will find out. Enlisting the help and support of those who truly care can help you in your day-to-day struggles by making you feel more accountable with them in a positive way. While some may reject or avoid you initially, others will respect your commitment to change. I’m continually surprised at the support and encouragement people give me. I know of several cases when my example has helped someone better relate to another loved one who has the same problem.

• Develop healthy, appropriate relationships with others of your gender. I have become friends with many of my priesthood leaders and brethren, and I find sports a good way to interact socially with men. Until someone struggling with same-gender attraction learns to relate to men in a normal way, he won’t be able to overcome his problem; one cannot just decide to avoid relationships with men altogether.

• Avoid people or places that may compromise your actions. This is an absolute must! Though it can be painful to give up habitual associations, renouncing dangerous people and places is a necessary first step toward repentance—and likewise, if one finds himself beginning to seek out such people and places, that is perhaps the gravest warning sign before sin is actually committed. This warning also extends in the same way to pornography, which, as one falls deeper into sin, often acts as the bridge between thinking impure thoughts and seeking dangerous associations.

I have learned that if we fail to fortify ourselves by living the gospel, our earthly trials can wear us down and cause us to despair. But through Heavenly Father’s plan, our weaknesses can become our strengths (see Ether 12:27). Through struggling to overcome same-gender attraction, I have learned that Heavenly Father does hear and answer prayers and that he is eager to help us if we will let him. The Lord atoned for all our sins, and he understands all our trials, even same-gender attraction. I have learned that with the help of Heavenly Father, the Lord, our Church leaders, inspired professionals, and caring friends and family members, same-gender attraction can be successfully resisted and overcome.


~Name Withheld

God Loveth His Children

You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.
The Book of Mormon prophet Nephi voiced feelings we all have when he acknowledged that he did not “know the meaning of all things.” But he testified, “I know that [God] loveth his children” (1 Nephi 11:17). God does indeed love all His children. Many questions, however, including some related to same-gender attractions, must await a future answer, even in the next life. But God has revealed simple, unchanging truths to guide us. He loves all His children, and because He loves you, you can trust Him.

Your Identity and Potential

You are a precious son or daughter of God. He not only knows your name; He knows you. His love for you is individual. You lived in His presence before you were born on this earth. You cannot remember your premortal relationship with Him, but He does. Although His children may sometimes do things that disappoint Him, He will always love them.
When you know who you are and are comfortable in the assurance that God loves you, you can more easily understand what He wants for you. He wants you to have all of the blessings of eternal life. Eternal life means much more than long or unending life. To obtain eternal life means to become like Heavenly Father, to live like Him, and to receive a fulness of joy. You can receive eternal life if you abide by the same laws as God and do the things He does.

The Plan of Happiness

God has provided the plan of salvation, or plan of happiness, to help you receive the blessings of eternal life. This plan is set forth in the scriptures; men and women cannot rewrite it to accommodate their desires. God alone gives the reward of eternal life. Some of the greatest blessings promised by the plan, including eternal life, are not intended for immediate enjoyment. Eternity is long, and mortality is short. As you base your decisions on eternal principles rather than on earthly challenges or desires, you can have “peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” (D&C 59:23).
These blessings are based on obedience to eternal principles. The importance of families is one of these principles. Heaven is organized by families, which require a man and a woman who together exercise their creative powers within the bounds the Lord has set. Same-gender relationships are inconsistent with this plan. Without both a husband and a wife there would be no eternal family and no opportunity to become like Heavenly Father.
In some circumstances a person defers marriage because he or she is not presently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. While many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality, others may not be free of this challenge in this life. However, the perfect plan of our Father in Heaven makes provision for individuals who seek to keep His commandments but who, through no fault of their own, do not have an eternal marriage in mortal life. As we follow Heavenly Father’s plan, our bodies, feelings, and desires will be perfected in the next life so that every one of God’s children may find joy in a family consisting of a husband, a wife, and children.
Same-gender attractions include deep emotional, social, and physical feelings. All of Heavenly Father’s children desire to love and be loved, including many adults who, for a variety of reasons, remain single. God assures His children, including those currently attracted to persons of the same gender, that their righteous desires will eventually be fully satisfied in God’s own way and according to His timing.

Self-Mastery

In order to qualify for the blessings of our Heavenly Father’s plan, each of us was sent to this earth for a period of probation, during which we face a variety of temptations and challenges. Some of these challenges are associated with our physical bodies. Because we did not possess physical bodies before this life, we must learn to live with their inadequacies and interpret their signals, urges, and needs. And we must often learn to say “no.” This self-mastery of the physical body is very important because we will possess these bodies, in perfected form, in the next life.
Our bodies are sacred; they are sometimes referred to in the scriptures as “temples of God.” Many people with same-gender attraction respect the sacredness of their bodies and the standards God has set—that sexuality be expressed “only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). The lives of these individuals are pleasing to our Father in Heaven. Some, however, cross this boundary and indulge in immoral conduct. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone.
True happiness depends on more than the expression of physical urges. These urges diminish as more fundamental emotional needs are met—such as the need to interact with and serve others. True happiness comes from self-control, self-respect, and positive direction in life. It comes from a testimony of true doctrine—including who you are and who you may become—and from living according to God’s plan of happiness.
Many people with same-gender attractions have strong testimonies of the gospel and, therefore, do not act on those attractions. Attractions alone do not make you unworthy. If you avoid immoral thoughts and actions, you have not transgressed even if you feel such an attraction. The First Presidency stated, “There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior” (letter, Nov. 14, 1991).
This principle applies to all of God’s children, for He has declared that all sexual relations outside of marriage are unacceptable. Everyone has temptations, but one of the purposes of mortality is to learn to overcome them. President David O. McKay beautifully defined spirituality as “the consciousness of victory over self” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1969, 8). These temptations, which are generally uninvited, may be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive us of our freedom of choice. Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “All of us have some feelings we did not choose, but the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we still have the power to resist and reform our feelings (as needed) and to assure that they do not lead us to entertain inappropriate thoughts or to engage in sinful behavior” (“Same-Gender Attraction,” Ensign, Oct. 1995, 9). Improper thoughts diminish if you replace them immediately with uplifting, constructive thoughts.
In your quest for self-mastery, remember the importance of living righteously in private as well as in public. President Gordon B. Hinckley urged: “Our behavior in public must be above reproach. Our behavior in private is even more important. It must clear the standard set by the Lord. We cannot indulge in sin, let alone try to cover our sins” (“Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood,” Ensign, May 2002, 52).
If you have violated God’s commandments or your covenants, you can repent. Through the Atonement, Jesus Christ has paid the price for your sins, and God will forgive you. After you have thoroughly and sincerely repented, you need not dwell on past transgressions. The Lord’s command to “forgive all men” includes the requirement to forgive yourself (see D&C 64:10).
An understanding of eternal truths is a powerful motivation for righteous behavior. You are best served by concentrating on the things you can presently understand and control, not wasting energy or enlarging frustration by worrying about that which God has not yet fully revealed. Focus on living the simple truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Same-gender inclinations may be very powerful, but through faith in the Atonement you can receive the power to resist all improper conduct, keeping your life free from sin.

Filling Your Life with Goodness

Someone wisely said that if we plant a garden with good seed, there will not be so much need of the hoe. Likewise, if we fill our lives with the spiritual nourishment God has provided, we can more easily gain control over inclinations and become the masters of ourselves. This means creating a daily positive environment in which the Spirit can flourish and avoiding environments of temptation, where the Spirit is offended. A positive environment includes consistent private and public worship, church attendance, fasting, temple attendance, service, scripture reading, prayer, association with good friends, and exposure to uplifting literature and music. As you surround yourself with these things, your garden will bear good fruit and be a joy to you and to your Father in Heaven. Happiness is harvested from the cultivation of worthwhile things, not just the suppression of that which offends God.
One very important way to fill your spiritual garden with good seed is to participate actively in the Church. Even though same-gender attractions may continue and may foster unresolved tensions, you will be strengthened by service in the Church and by interaction with other Church members who share beliefs and have made the same covenants you have made. Partaking of the sacrament, singing the hymns of Zion, and listening to uplifting talks all contribute to your spiritual growth. Neglecting these positive influences and withdrawing from the Church because of discouragement, perceived rejection, or a sense that you do not belong can only hurt your spirituality and your desire to control your actions.
Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully.
In addition to filling your garden with positive influences, you must also avoid any influence that can harm your spirituality. One of these adverse influences is obsession with or concentration on same-gender thoughts and feelings. It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings. The careful selection of friends and mentors who lead constructive, righteous lives is one of the most important steps to being productive and virtuous. Association with those of the same gender is natural and desirable, so long as you set wise boundaries to avoid improper and unhealthy emotional dependency, which may eventually result in physical and sexual intimacy. There is moral risk in having so close a relationship with one friend of the same gender that it may lead to vices the Lord has condemned. Our most important relationships are with our own families because our ties to them can be eternal.
Despair is another adverse influence. It often results from a lack of understanding and trust in God’s continuing love as made available through the power of the Atonement. You can find hope in the fact that every blessing contemplated by Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness remains available for each of His children. Despair and doubt may lead to withdrawal, fault-finding, and impatience that all answers and resolutions for life’s problems are not immediately forthcoming. The Spirit of God brings good cheer and happiness. Trust the Lord. Do not blame anyone—not yourself, not your parents, not God—for problems not fully understood in this life.
Pornography, in all its subtle and damaging forms, is an especially adverse, dangerous, and addictive influence. The images to which your mind is exposed, even for a brief moment, are recorded and will present themselves in a moment of weakness to break down your resolve. Righteous action results from purity of thought, which is encouraged by uplifting literature, conversation, music, and other media.
Some people have been abused during the early years of life or have engaged in sexual experimentation at a young age. If this has happened to you, please understand that abuse by others or youthful experiences should not create a present sense of guilt, unworthiness, or rejection by God or His Church. Innocent mischief early in life does not predispose a youth toward same-gender attraction as an adult.
You will be most successful in controlling your life as you constantly nourish your spirit. Avoiding food for prolonged periods, followed by excessively large meals, will not maintain physical health. Likewise, feeding your spirit sporadically, even in large proportions, will not yield the same result as constantly, daily nourishing your spirit.

“Go Forward”

President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that those with same-gender attraction who do not express these inclinations may “go forward as do all other members of the Church” (“What Are People Asking about Us?” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).
If you live by the standards God has set and fill your days with worthwhile things, your life will be full of hope and you may expect opportunities for meaningful service, social inclusion, and spiritual growth in this life.
It is helpful to visit with your bishop and other priesthood leaders who hold the keys of inspired counsel for the members of your local Church unit. If you approach them humbly and honestly, they will extend themselves in compassion and love as they counsel with you. The First Presidency stated: “We encourage Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding to those struggling with these issues. Many will respond to Christlike love and inspired counsel” (letter, Nov. 14, 1991). It is also often helpful to seek guidance from professional counselors who are experienced in working with same-gender attraction issues and whose counsel is consistent with gospel teachings.
As you seek the help of others, be careful not to become dependent on them alone for your spiritual strength. Your bishop and other leaders can counsel you and teach the true principles of God’s plan for His children, but ultimately the sustained strength you need must come from the Lord as you submit to the influence of the Holy Ghost and exercise faith in Jesus Christ.
Only then will there be a lasting resolve and sufficient strength to abstain from conduct and thoughts displeasing to God.
A number of Latter-day Saints with same-gender attraction are moving forward with their lives by carefully adhering to gospel standards, staying close to the Lord, and obtaining ecclesiastical and professional help when needed. Their lives are rich and satisfying, and they can be assured that all the blessings of eternal life will ultimately be theirs.
The teachings of the gospel differ greatly from the ways and teachings of the world on many subjects, including moral behavior. These differences result from our understanding of the gift of eternal life that Heavenly Father has prepared for us and the conditions necessary to receive it. No one is, or ever could be, excluded from the circle of God’s love or the extended arms of His Church, for we are all His beloved sons and daughters. As President Hinckley said: “Our hearts reach out to those who struggle with feelings of affinity for the same gender. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters” (“Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 99).